Sat. May 11th, 2024





“There is a certain kind of pain that makes you speak a language only God can understand.”


We have been discharged and are on our way back home, Jayden is driving us and honestly I am grateful that he is still here.


I look at Marsha who is sleeping, she doesn’t really look like the jovial girl that I know but who would blame her? After the way Vashawn and his wife treated her, any child in their right senses wouldn’t be the same again.



When we get home, he helps us with our bags.


‘I guess you need some time alone with the kids.’ He says once Marsha is safe inside with Nancy


‘I just want to rest Jayden.’


‘It’s not sleep you need when it’s your soul that is tired.’ He says touching my cheek with a smile


I return the smile, I needed to hear those words.


‘I will come later to check on you and the kids.’ He says I nod my head without saying anything.


‘But do try to get some sleep, you look like a beautiful mess.’ I laugh, the first genuine laughter since last night.


‘Beautiful mess? Right.’ I say shaking my head


He kisses my forehead then drives out, when the gate is closed I go back inside where Laura and Shawn run towards me.


‘Hey my babies.’ I say holding them


‘We missed you mummy.’


‘Of course you did, I am the best mummy in the world.’


Marsha looks at me and it’s only then that I realize what I just said. ‘Baby.’ I begin


She shakes her head and stands up to go to her room.



‘I will talk to her.’ Nancy says


‘No let me.’ I respond then follow her


I knock on the door once then let myself in.


‘Hey mummy.’ She says removing her clothes from the hospital bag


I go to where she is and hold her tight, for a few seconds she is rigid until she wraps her hands around me and we stand in that position for a while. I hear soft sobs and even though I have a huge lump on my throat I tell myself that I won’t cry because she needs me to be strong for her, now more than ever.


After a while I lead her to the bed and we sit down together.


‘Dad never wanted me did he?’ she asks looking me straight in the eyes


I want to look away, again I want to continue looking in her eyes and lie to her but how can I when her eyes are crystal and I can almost see her pure soul.


‘Who told you that?’ I ask instead


‘So it is true?’ she asks tears falling from her eyes again


‘Baby your father loves you.’


‘No he doesn’t.’ she protests


I hold her hand


‘You don’t need to continue lying to me mum.’ She says with such honesty it breaks my heart




She uses her hand to wipe the tears that have started to fall off my face



‘You are the best mother any child could ever ask for but you don’t have to continue making excuses for dad, it’s clear he never wanted me. I have heard him so many times in your arguments saying that you trapped him.’




‘And I appreciate that you have been both mother and father in my life, just don’t cover up for his flaws anymore. The weight of his mistakes is weighing you down and I hate seeing you like that.’


‘No child should ever go through this Marsha, no child.’ I say more tears falling, I can’t even hold myself back any more.


‘Don’t worry, I will never disrespect him. Just don’t expect me to act like he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, because clearly he is not.’


I just look at her wordlessly


‘Can I please sleep? I feel drowsy.’


‘Okay.’ I say looking at her once again before walking out of the room.


I go to my bedroom and lock myself up before allowing the tears to fall, I stand there holding my mouth so that the agonizing cry doesn’t come out. How could I have been blind to all this? My kids have been seeing everything that has been happening between their father and myself and I actually thought I was doing enough to protect them.


When I can’t cry anymore I just lay down on the bed, I am done blaming Vashawn and myself for my failed marriage because that won’t bring back what we failed to have. Each day it hurts a different kind of pain and honestly even if I talk about it no one can fully understand because the hell I walked through still burns on my skin.


I have hurt so bad I walked in the face of depression and sadly depression teaches you to value yourself and to be careful who you allow back into your space and in



as much as a part of me still loves Vashawn I can’t allow him back into my life because he hurt me so badly I learnt to speak a Language only God can understand.


I try to get some sleep but I keep thinking of Marsha’s words and I am in total pain, when it finally seems futile I pick up my phone and call Jayden.


‘Hey.’ He responds on the first ring


He sounds like he was sleeping and I feel bad for waking him up.


‘Are you okay?’ He asks


‘I am.’ I lie


‘I am coming over.’


‘Jayden I was just calling to check on you.’


‘Even so I am still coming to see you.’


He cuts the line and I take a deep sigh, knowing Jayden he will surely come. I take this time to freshen up, even though my eyes hurt due to lack of sleep I just force myself to go through the day.


After bathing, I settle into comfortable shorts and a t shirt that is loose.


I head to the kitchen to get started with lunch but Nancy is already there.


‘You are not sleeping?’


‘I couldn’t get any sleep.’ I tell her truthfully


She looks at me sympathetically


‘It shall be well.’


I smile at her thoughtfulness



I hear a car drive in and I peep through the window, it is Coldy. I continue looking until I see three doors opening, he has come with Jayden and Valerie.


I go to the door and wait for them.


‘Hey you.’ Valerie says coming to hug me


‘Hey.’ I say holding her tight


‘Hai.’ Cold says as he gives me a side hug


‘Thanks for coming.’ I say


Jayden hugs me, holding me a little longer than the two.


I lead them to the living room where Laura and Shawn are, they run to greet Valerie.


‘My favorite children.’ She says kneeling down to reach their height


They embrace


‘Mummy V where is my chocolate?’ Shawn asks


‘And my muffins.’ Laura says folding her arms


‘Tell Aunty Nancy to get for you in the car.’ She says


They go off running towards the kitchen.


‘You spoiled these kids V.’


‘They are my only kids.’ She says settling next to Coldy


I notice how he puts his hand around her shoulder and how she locks her fingers with his with the hand that is free, I just smile.



Marsha walks into the living room.


‘Mummy.’ She says to Valerie


I notice the sad look in Valerie’s eyes


‘Come here my baby.’


Marsha walks to her and Valerie stands, they hug for some time.


‘How are you feeling?’


‘I am getting over it.’ She responds


‘Good afternoon.’ She greets looking at Coldy then Jayden ‘Hey Marsha.’ Jayden says


‘How are you feeling little one?’ Coldy asks


‘I am fine, but hot chocolate would do the trick.’ She responds looking at Valerie ‘I got you baby.’


Laura comes carrying a cup of hot chocolate


‘Baby you had all these things in the car and you didn’t tell me?’ Coldy asks ‘Never trust an African woman.’ She responds sending us all into laughter ‘You are the best!’ Marsha says getting the cup


‘Can all of you say your thank yous and leave us?’ I ask ‘Thank you mummy V.’ They chorus


I smile when they all disappear into the bedroom.

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‘How is she?’ Valerie asks when they are gone


‘She will never be the same V.’


‘Why what happened?’


‘Marsha knows about her father not wanting her.’ I say that with a sigh


‘What? How?’


‘Apparently she overheard one of our many conversations.’ I say making inverted commas in the air when I say the word conversations


‘Wow.’ Coldy responds


‘And the worst part is that she doesn’t want me to force her into getting close to him ever, more like saying she recognizes he is her father but that is as far as it goes.’


The three look at me me sympathetically


‘I am sorry that he had to make you go through all this.’


‘Learnt quite a number of lessons.’ I say with a chuckle


‘Anyway away from that, dad and mum will be leaving the country next month.’


‘And the company?’


Valerie goes on to explain about how her parents no longer own the companies and Vashawn finding out about them. She also tells me about the house that has been put in my name and even though I want to be happy I just smile because those people took me hell and back.



After she is done, I just sigh without anything to say. Vashawn is getting exactly what he deserves.


‘What do you plan on doing to Cassie for what she made Marsha go through?’ Coldy asks


‘Just waiting for the lab results from the doctor and when they show dog food was found in her system I am suing her.’


‘Honestly that woman is evil hey.’


‘Evil is just an understatement.’ I respond standing up to check on the food in the kitchen


Jayden stands and follows me behind.


We get to the kitchen and Nancy is not there


‘Hey you.’ He says holding me from behind


I stand and allow his warm hands to just hold me like that but the moment is ruined when we hear noise in the living room.


‘Vashawn what the hell do you want?’ Valerie asks


I stand mad looking at him


‘So this is the bastard that you want in my children’s’ lives right?’ He asks looking at Jayden who is holding my hand


‘Vashawn please leave.’ I say


‘Look at you, no one can ever love you because you are just a fat good for nothing woman!’


I don’t know at what point Jayden leaves my side but all I see are punches and kicks then minutes later blood oozing from Vashawn who is laying on the tiles.



He picks him up and throws him outside.


‘Don’t you ever come close to her or the kids, I swear to God I will kill you with my bare hands!’ He says then gets back in the house


‘And you, file for full custody of the kids then get a restraining order. I will check up on you tomorrow.’ He says then walks out


Valerie quickly follows suite and I am guessing because they came with the same car


‘He loves you Michel, and I understand that you are not in the right mind to allow anyone in but Jayden is a really good person.’ Coldy says then walks out.





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