Wed. Feb 14th, 2024

I drove out of the bank with funmilayo sitting beside me and we started to gist and discuss on our way.


FUNMI: so you always hang out like this every fridays?


ME: not at all, just once in a while.


FUNMI: like how often?


ME: like ones in a month sha.


FUNMI: hmmmmmmmm. You are forming holy saint abi?


ME: **smiled** I’m serious funmi, I’m not really the outing type, except once in a while when my friends pressurise me to go out with them.


FUNMI: it’s hard to believe sha.


ME: haba, what makes you think so?


FUNMI: a cute guy like you?, driving a cool ride?, and you won’t be going out to have fun?.


ME: funny you funmi. But like seriously, I hardly go out sha.


FUNMI: so, what brand do you drink?


ME: malt and coke.


FUNMI: are you joking?


ME: I’m serious funmi. I don’t drink. The highest I can take is energy drink.


FUNMI: energy drink? ****clears throat*** what for?


ME: **smiled*** what I mean is that if there isn’t a coke or malt, the next thing I can take is an energy drink.


FUNMI: like bullet right?


ME: not at all. I mean non-alcoholic ones.


FUNMI: I don’t believe you anyway. So how is your wife?, are you hearing from her?


ME: my wife?, who?


FUNMI: the lady you always go home with.


ME: oooooooh, you mean Benita?


FUNMI: yeah.


ME: she is not my wife oooooo.


FUNMI: and you always go home and then come to work together abi?


ME: her road was just on my path, so I do help her by picking her up in the morning and then dropping her in the evening.


FUNMI: was she the only person in the bank living along your path?


ME: I don’t think so.


FUNMI: then why is she the only one you always pick up in the morning and drop later at nights?


ME: ****smiled****** it’s not what you think funmilayo. She was the only one who approached me for help in picking her up every morning, others didn’t.


FUNMI: what about the periods you were living together at your apartment in Maryland?


ME: **** surprised ***** who told you that we lived together?


FUNMI: forget that one onihaxy. Do you really think I don’t know?


ME: we never lived together funmi.


FUNMI: never mind then. So where is she now?


ME: I think she is in rivers state.


FUNMI: is she working there?


ME: no oo, she went to visit her fiancé. But she told me that she would hunt for jobs there.


FUNMI: ok, her fiancée stays in rivers State right?


ME: yes.


FUNMI: is he working there too?


ME: I think so.


FUNMI: ***smiled**** onihaxy!!!!!!!


ME: what is that?


FUNMI: but you told me that her fiance lived in same street with you?


ME: *** chaii!!!!! ***** yeah, that was what she told me earlier, only for her to tell me later that her fiancé lives in rivers state.


FUNMI: my regards to her anyways.

I began to wonder how funmi got to know that Benita lived with me.

“Could it be true that she knew?”

“Or maybe she was just pulling my legs”

“Or people don carry rumours reach her side?”

“But no one knew about it except my closest friends and benita closest friends too”

We arrived at a bar and we located two empty seats and we sat down. The bar man came to meet us and I was surprised when funmi ordered for two bottles of Guinness and a plate of pepper soup. She asked me what I wanted and I told her energy drink is ok for me. Funmi told the barman to give me 2 cans of energy drink and a plate of pepper soup. The fear of the fees gripped me and it was so obvious on my face as I was staring at the barman while he was walking away. “Calm down onihaxy, the bill is on me. afterall, I am the one compensating you for delaying you.” Funmi said as she noticed how I was looking at the guy. I replied her “haba, money isn’t a problem na. How much is it sef?”.

The barman arrived with our order and we started to eat and drink and having series of gist along the line. Funmi was laughing out loudly to every of my jokes and we were relating like mates, the whole atmosphere was devoid of boss to staff relationship. Funmi ordered for three more bottles and that was when I began to realize that I was on a long thing.

I checked the time and it was few minutes to 11pm. Funmi had started acting funmi like someone who drank to stupor and she began to say funny things.

“Onihaxy, nothing dey happen”

” What happened to my car sef?”

” Onihaxy, someone must receive query on monday”

” Onihaxy, I need two more bottles”

” Don’t mind me. I’m not drunk ooo”


From all what funmi was spewing out, I need no soothsayers to tell me that funmi was indeed drunk. I called the barman and asked him how much we are paying, he told me the price and I picked funmi’s purse and paid him. I tapped funmi to let us start going but she was behaving funny. I held her hand and lifted her up while I walked in the front hoping that she was following me. To my surprise, I looked back and realized that funmi had fell down back to the chair. “Chai, wahala dey oooo”, I walked backwards to lift her up and take her to the car but I realized that she was too heavy for me. I looked around and I saw some guys having their drinks at the other table. I walked up to them and beg them to assist me in taking this woman to the car. They laughed at me as two of them stood up and followed me to help me.

They held funmi and walked her to the car as I carried her bag and led them. I started the car engine and drove off from the bar after thanking the guys that helped me. I drove straight to funmilayo’s house in the estate where she lives. I picked her. keys from her bag and opened her main gate to enter. I parked my car and stopped the car engine. I looked at clock on my dashboard and it was 12:09am. “Thank God tomorrow is Saturday. How do I get back home at this mid-night?”, I was so tired and weak as I alighted from the car. I was still holding her bunch of keys and I walked towards her main door, I tried several keys until I was able to open the door. I switched on the lights and I returned to the car to pick funmi. She was staggering and saying funny things as I took her inside the main house. I didn’t see anyone at home as we walked to her room. We got to her room and I opened the door and took her inside. I made her sit on the bed while I sat on the sofa in her room to brainstorm on how to get back home in that midnight. I got the greatest shock of my life when funmilayo stood up and staggered to the wardrobe. She pull of her clothes including her bra. She has only pants on her and she brought out a night gown and put it on.

I was like “maybe she didn’t realized that I was here probably because she was drunk”, but funmi surprised me when she dipped her hand underneath the gown and pulled off her pant and threw it inside her wardrobe. I sensed danger immediately and I stood up to start going out before someone accuse me of rape because of her drunk state, but funmi walked closer and pushed me to the bed. I fell flat on my back and she came for me and sat on my laps.



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