HURDLES
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When we are done with the hospital I ask that Vashawn drops me at home, I am pretty sure the kids are not yet back and I tell myself that I will use this time to get enough rest.
Once home, I go inside the house and lock myself in the bedroom. I really don’t know what to feel, I have never been this shaken in my life. Yes HIV patients live a normal life once they start adhering to medicine but I don’t want to imagine what it must feel like to live with the stigma. And here I was thinking that maybe my life was entirely a mess, being married to a man who didn’t even touch me in years and yet God was saving me from a virus.
Just when I want to close my eyes I hear noises in the living room, I get up to check what is happening.
‘Mummy.’ Marsha says proudly
‘Hey baby.’ I respond
‘Look at all the things that we bought, I have a lot of clothes now to change my wardrobe.’ She says proudly
‘Isn’t that lovely.’ I respond looking at her hair
‘Oh, we also went to the saloon then saw a movie, ate some ice cream and now we are here.’
‘I am glad you had fun.’ I manage to say
‘Thank you so much Uncle Jay.’
‘You are welcome baby.’ He says before she rushes to her room
‘Thank you Jayden.’ I tell him honestly
‘It’s nothing Michel, what matters is the beautiful smile on her face.’
I smile at him
‘I have to get going now.’ He says
I walk him to his car outside.
He stands just before going inside.
‘Michel.’
‘Yes Jayden.’ I respond
There is a way in which he has said my name that I don’t like
‘You know I like you right?’
‘Yes I do.’
‘And no I am not going to rush you, I will not ask you to do anything that you are not okay with. All I need from you is an assurance that we are moving on the same page.’
I look at him with a smile
‘A day at a time is all I need, but even as we take those I need you to know that I am happy with you. Jayden you are my happy place and my kids love you, I am going to trust each and every step I take with you.’ I respond
He smiles widely before kissing me full on the lips
‘I will see you tomorrow after lunch.’
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‘How about we go to church together?’ I ask
He smiles
‘As long as the kids are joining us.’
I nod my head and watch him as he drives off after he has said his good byes.
I haven’t been to church in a very long time and that is because I felt betrayed, one time Vashawn was going out with one of the choir members and almost half the church knew about it but no one cared enough to tell me. And when I found out I was blamed, for not being good enough to keep my husband in the house like I was supposed to be his security wing.
I go back in the house and find a number of missed calls from Vashawn. I decide to call him back.
‘Vashawn.’ I say when he picks up
‘I am sorry Michel.’ He says
He sounds like he is crying and his voice is breaking
I feel for him, not because he still has a place in my heart but because he is human and no one deserves to go through such.
‘Are you there?’ He asks when I don’t respond
‘I am here.’ I respond with a sigh
‘Michel given another chance I would do it better, honestly all I want is to have my family back.’ He pleads
I chuckle
‘Vashawn you are not dying.’
‘Maybe I am.’
‘This is not the end of your life, it is just the beginning of your positive journey and if you take care of yourself you will be just fine.’
‘So you hate me now?’ He asks with emotional blackmail
‘Vashawn I could have been with anyone else in the world but I chose you.’ I begin
‘I had met some people before you,there was one I thought I had loved but after my father died and I changed towns everything changed. Then I met you.’ I say the last part with a chuckle
‘Meeting you was the best thing that ever occurred to me, school was better I had better grades, you pushed me to study and I felt better about myself. I loved you with every fiber in my body, but when I least expected it you got the best of me and tore it apart. Vashawn you taught me never to trust a pretty smile. In all the hurt, the pain, the tears, the lonely nights year in year out the kids were my only blessing,I would never say anything bad about you to them but they see right through me.’
‘Michel.’ He begs
‘Vashawn losing some weight made me feel better about myself, added self confidence, but you never saw any of those things. You picked a slender woman, a woman you thought was better than me. Now that I have picked up all the broken pieces you want to look at me like I am the best thing that has ever happened to you? Now you look at me like the first time we met.’
‘Michel I want us, I want you.’
I shake my head vigorously
‘We are too broken Vashawn, two different people. Besides you don’t plant apples and expect to harvest lemons. You can not just come and claim what you have never put effort into. I am over you and I am done. Please take care of yourself.’ I say dropping the line
I have never felt this good about anything in my life, I have never been surer about a decision and God knows this is going to be the start of beautiful things. My name is Michel, I am a single mum of three and happily getting on with my life and this was my story.
THE END