‘You lose decency when you get involved with someone who is already committed.’ Milz
I roughly parked the vehicle in my parking spot, I was fuming and I could feel my bile raising as I thought of the humiliation I had just gone. I hit into the steering wheel a number of times as the hot tears burned and rolled down my eyes; making two black lines with the mascara that I was wearing.
‘Damn you Khan!’ I yelled as more tears fell
I wanted him at all costs but with each and every step I took which I thought was taking me a little further to getting him; I ended up getting disappointed.
I removed my heels and carried them in one hand, I didn’t even lock my car. I walked to the front door and was met by one of the house helps.
‘Please get my things from the vehicle.’ I instructed and walked into the house
It was quiet as usual, how could so much money not give one happiness? I thought I had it all but even though I could afford everything I wanted I still couldn’t stay happy.
I walked to the bedroom and found my dear husband seated in a chair staring at the wall, I wasn’t ready for whatever drama he had this time so I just walked to the bathroom and ran myself a cold bath. When I was done, I wiped my body and wore a short dress then got on the bed and covered myself with a fleece blanket.
‘Can we talk?’ he finally said, talking for the first time since I walked in I seated up right and faced him.
‘I am all ears.’
He cleared his throat.
‘This is not working.’ He began
‘Denise honestly I am being as open and frank with you as possible.’ ‘Josphat you woke me up just to tell me things that I already know?’
He sighed then faced down.
‘I am sorry.’ ‘Excuse me?’
‘Denise please just have an open mind here and hear exactly what I want to say.’
He said almost pleading. I sighed again.
‘I am sorry that I wasn’t the best husband that any woman can ask for, I know love wasn’t so much of a thing between us but at least I should have treated you better.’
He paused then looked at me.
‘I am sorry things had to get this bad for me to realize that I have been bad to you, I should have let you go before we got here. You are young, vibrant and I am sure that there is still much you can do without me by your side.’
I felt a lump on my throat, I couldn’t hold back the tears so I just let them fall.
‘And I am sorry that you can’t have kids anymore, I know I contributed greatly to that. Its cliché to say that had I not gone out there in search of younger girls, you wouldn’t have gone gallivanting as well but in all honesty I blame myself and I wish there is something I can do to revise that.’
By this time the flood of tears that I had been holding back poured out, I had never thought that the proud Josphat would ever apologize and recognize his mistakes.
‘Why now?’ I managed to ask between sobs
‘Josphat why now when I don’t have much to live for? Why now when the very essence for my life has been turned to dust which can be blown away, why now when my womb is barren, cold and empty?’ I asked again more tears falling He rubbed his eyes as if blocking tears that were about to fall.
‘This might sound crazy but I want to be a part of my son’s life and I can’t be if I continue living the way I have been.’
I laughed, shocking him.
‘And here I was thinking that you have changed. Here I was thinking that you are a better man.’
‘Denise I am trying to change, I am trying to be the best I can be so that my child can look at me without thinking twice about treating me like his father.’
I laughed again
‘So where does that leave me? Now I am going to be the wife that couldn’t change her husband, right? I am going to be used as a villain in your testimonies in some Pentecostal church somewhere right?’
“I was once married and things couldn’t work out between me and my ex-wife?” I asked making inverted comas in the air as tears poured
‘Then the congregation will scream their hallelujahs and amens right?’ ‘Denise don’t do this, don’t make it harder than it already is.’ He pleaded I laughed, laughing was the only thing keeping me sane in that moment. ‘Denise this is why I want to let you go.’ He said now on his feet
He came to where I was seated and handed me some papers, I didn’t even have to look at them to see what they were. I tore them to pieces and threw them at him. ‘You are a coward Josphat, you are a fool to think that I will give you a divorce after everything you have made me go through.’
‘Denise let us not continue doing this, you know we are bad for each other.’ ‘So are we for anyone.’ I yelled
‘We are bad for each other but not good for anyone else Josphat, we are bad for the world, we are too poisoned to stay with anyone else. We are stuck together.’
He shook his head vigorously allowing the tears to fall, the first time in our thirty years of marriage.
‘I need to be a better man, for my son.’ He said now breaking down I moved to where he was and held his head so that he could face me.
‘We have hurt ourselves, we have hurt the world but the bridge is still there. We can still redeem what we lost. Not by running away but facing our problems head on.’
He looked at me with his teary eyes.
‘I am broke and broken Denise.’
‘You are not broke if you have a skill, and about broken; aren’t we all are?’ I asked smiling through my tears
He chuckled reviewing his teeth.
‘Are you sure about this?’
‘About holding you in my arms?’ I asked laughing He laughed as well
‘About starting over? Meeting your son? Apologizing to Khan and Miso, your mother and father? No I am not, but I am willing to give it a shot.’ I said kissing his forehead
‘Thank you for putting up with me.’
‘No, thank you for never leaving. For always remembering where home is.’