HURDLES
_05_
(For Monde M Kambela)
I walk into the bedroom and find Vashawn packing his clothes, I really want to be surprised that he is packing up but funny enough I am not. I have had it to the core and right now I just want to build a stable home for my kids.
‘You called for me.’ I ask when he doesn’t acknowledge my presence
‘I am leaving.’
‘You have been gone for a while so what are you talking about?’ I ask oblivious to what he is doing
‘Michel I don’t want to fight you.’
‘We are not fighting.’
He sighs in frustration
‘Listen I know I might have done a lot of messed up things to you in the past, and honestly I cannot undo any of them but it is life at the end of the day. We gain some and lose some, so suck it up.’
I laugh
‘This is it huh?’
‘By that you mean?’
‘Vashawn I gave you twelve faithful years of my life.’ I say that with a chuckle
‘I didn’t ask you to.’ He responds proudly
‘I never cheated you on. Not once, I never did anything that could have made our marriage crush but without second thoughts you are just going to leave.’
‘Michel we cannot pretend like we are the happiest people alive anymore.’
‘No no, I have never pretended like we are the best that exists but at least unlike you I have been putting in work. I have been striving to see us overcome all these hurdles.’
He shakes his head
‘I want out and you cannot hold me back.’
‘That is your perfect solution? What happened to being priest and head of this household? What happened to holding us together both in good and bad?’
‘I just want out Michel, I am sorry.’
A lone tear falls and I lick it with the tip of my tongue.
‘You won’t put up a fight? You won’t ask that maybe we try and work this out? You just want out huh?’
‘Yes.’ He responds
I smile
‘And this other woman, have you married her yet?’
‘We have just been waiting for you to sign the divorce papers so that we tie the knot.’
‘Okay.’
‘I will send the papers with my lawyer tomorrow, you can keep this place. The kids don’t even have to know that we are divorced, you know I will always be present in their life.’
‘I am not signing the divorce papers.’
‘You are joking right?’ he asks
I pick up another of his bags and start packing his shoes, this time he has stopped packing and is looking at me like I have grown an extra pair.
‘Michel that is not how it works, you can’t tie me to yourself forever.’
‘And what makes you think that I want you tied to me forever?’ I ask still packing
‘Just sign those papers Michel, we have a loveless marriage and it is silly to continue lying to our mates about how perfect we are.’
I close his bag making sure the zipper makes noise then hand it to him.
‘All the best in your new home.’ I say and stand away from the door so that he can pass
He carries them, one on each hand but stops just half way.
‘When a man doesn’t love you there is nothing you can do about it.’
I smile
‘Now I know.’ I respond with a smile that doesn’t reach my eyes
I sigh deeply and close the bedroom door lightly, that’s it. Vashawn is gone; there is nothing that I could do to make him stay with me. I have done everything in my power to make things work between us but when a mind is made up, no one can say anything to make it do otherwise.
I go to the living room and find Coldy still there, I don’t even know what he wants but he is the last person that I want to see here.
‘I guess this was not a good time to see you.’ He apologizes as Vashawn drives out
I don’t say anything to him, I notice the mattresses have been removed from the living room and I am just thankful Nancy has taken the kids out because I wouldn’t have loved for them to see their father leaving.
‘What do you want?’
‘I came to apologize about earlier.’
‘Okay.’ I respond
‘Your job is still waiting for you.’
‘Okay.’ I say dismissively
He reads between the lines because after that he walks out, Coldy is the least of my worries right now and I won’t let whatever happened in the morning get to me.
I go to the bedroom and throw my weight on the bed then close my eyes, I just want to sleep and not think of anything else. But sleep is not what you need when it’s the soul that is tired, no matter how many times I turn and toss I can’t bring myself to sleep.
And when all efforts fail, I pick up my photo album that holds pictures of Vashawn and I from the days when we had just started out as a couple back in school. He was and still remains the only man that could make my heart melt, I had dreams for the both of us – in my perfect imagination he was the man that would always understand my human needs, he would respect my womanhood, he would support my cause and make love to me on the living room floor after eating an entire meal of junk food. But I guess we both had different plans, dreams and aspirations. I allow the tears to fall, this is bigger than me. He is so inconsiderate, this is not about the years I gave to him anymore, this is about the kids that we have together. I mean they are growing; they are old enough to understand what divorce is. How do I even begin to explain that their father has left them to start another family? What if they question if that other family is better than what we once had here? What do I even tell them? How do I go about explaining that to them? How does he leave me to be the bearer of bad news? When I can’t cry anymore, I sigh deeply because at the end of it all I have done enough and now I just have to allow the universe to do its work.
..
There was a time when I looked at Michel and my heart melted, that was before the kids and the whole marriage talk. It was nice having her around and fooling around whenever we could, and just maybe settling down with her wasn’t such a bad idea but I was young and I still wanted to play. I never got over the play boy act and so her expecting me to grow when we settled didn’t sit well with me. For a while I pretended that things were okay but that was about it, I couldn’t continue pretending like that is what I signed up for so I cheated with anyone that came my way. At first I hid it but for how long? Until of course it became a habit that I couldn’t hide or control so here I am; throwing away everything I never signed up for everything I am signing up for. Cassie is the woman I am ready to settle down with and I will make it work.
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