HURDLES
_40_
(Insert dedicated to Quonnie, I love you. I have felt your pain and God knows I will walk another mile with you if I have to.)
Like everything else that goes up then later comes down, I didn’t see my down fall coming. I had done some really nasty things in my life and dying like this is something I had never thought of.
I don’t know if there is a death that hurts less, some people say when a baby dies it hurts less because that child hasn’t impacted much on the lives of people around it. Whilst others will argue that for the fact that, that child hasn’t impacted anything it had a greater chance of being great in society. I have always thought old people’s deaths hurt less because they have lived their lives and now all that is left is for them to go and rest. Well here I am, living nothing behind. Katuta’s death is all over social media and TV houses. How do I even mourn him? Where do I even start from when I am sure he must have hated me for killing our child. I feel a sting of pain just thinking of my son, the child who had brought me so much. The one I had used to get to Vashawn even before he was born.
‘You have to sign the papers.’ The doctor says
‘Can I see someone before doing that?’ I ask
‘Who would you like to see?’
‘Catra.’
‘The lady that did this to you?’
I nod my head wiping a stray tear
‘I will inform the officer in charge of your case.’
Death is scary, because so many thoughts run through your mind. Like what next? Was it like the Pentecostal kind of tragedy? Where I would go to hell and dance in the pits of fire for eternity? Or maybe there was a Jehovah Witness’s kind of heaven? Where lions and humans would be friends? All these thoughts ran through my mind as tears continued to fall, when the door opened I didn’t even hear it.
I look at Catra who has just been brought in, she doesn’t look like the little girl I raised. She is a fully grown bitter woman and I blame myself for how she turned out.
She looks at me her face void of emotions.
‘You wanted to see me?’ She asks
I notice she is trying so hard not to close her nose, the stench coming from me must be unbearable.
‘How are you?’ I ask instead
‘I would be okay if I didn’t have to be in this place.’ She says this time closing her nose with her hand
I smile, I couldn’t bear it too but somehow I had to.
‘What do you want? I can barely breathe in here’ she says
‘Catra I don’t have any more time so I just wanted to apologize.’
She looks at me with a blank stare
‘I shouldn’t have involved you in all this mess, I should have protected you as an elder sister should. Everything I ever did to you was wrong and honestly I regret it terribly and if there was a way of undoing it, I would.’
‘Why are you telling me this now? Because you are not strong enough to fight now you are having these regrets? What happens when you get out of this hospital bed?’
I smile
‘Not once in my life would I have thought that I, the mighty Cassie would be bringing myself down. But you managed to humble me, Catra you broke my spirit.’
‘And you think you didn’t?’ She fires back and for the first time since she walked in here I see a hint of anger
‘I know I did, I shouldn’t have spiked your drink in the process killing your child. I was scared, scared that Vashawn would leave me for you since you are the one that was carrying his child.’
‘We are sisters, we were supposed to have each other’s backs and not go against each other. Families should learn that.’
‘I am sorry Catra.’
‘No you are not, if you were we wouldn’t be here right now. I loved you enough to go ahead with your plans, I had no thoughts of involving myself with a man way older than me but for you I did it. I didn’t even need his money or company. Cassie it has always been about you, always wanting the best of everything even though it meant stepping on your friends in the process.’
She pauses tears running down her face
‘When last did you think of what I want? When last did you think of what would make me happy? When last did you ask yourself if I was okay with doing everything you asked me?’
‘I thought you wanted to as well.’
She shakes her head vigorously
‘I didn’t think you had a problem with it.’
‘Just because you were okay with it doesn’t mean I was.’
I look at her tear stained face, my own tears keep falling too.
‘I loved you so much I was willing to do anything for you in the process I lost a part of me. Cassie I never had a chance to enjoy my youth because I grew up way faster than my age.’
‘I am sorry.’ I plead
‘It’s too late.’
‘It’s never too late to make up Catra.’
She shakes her head
‘It is, we are way too broken and messed up to ever feel anything for each other.’
I stretch out my hand but she doesn’t move an inch
‘Catra.’ I say still in tears
She shakes her head.
‘We are done Cassie, yes we are blood but that is all there ever will be between us. Just blood nothing more.’
‘Please don’t do this to me.’
‘We did this to us, and I am not sorry that we are here.’
I cry with everything in me hoping she changes her mind but she doesn’t.
‘Take care of yourself.’ I finally say after calming down
‘Keep a seat for me in hell.’ She says with a smile
I smile back at her.
‘I am sure there is a place in heaven for your soul.’
‘I doubt it.’ She responds
‘And hey.’
‘Yes?’
‘I want my body burnt, I don’t want to be mourned.’
‘Who would possibly mourn you?’ She asks with a smirk on her face
‘You speak fluently sarcasm.’ I say with a smile
‘I mean, that’s my third fluently spoken language.’
‘Tell Michel I am sorry.’
‘I bet she knows.’
I smile
‘Take care of yourself.’
‘Rest in peace.’ She says instead before walking out
I allow the tears to fall when the door closes and the doctor walks in, apparently my cut was way too deep and it caught an infection. According to him and two other doctors that attended to me it will never heal so I was just supposed to wait for it to slowly kill me as it continued to rot.
I don’t have the strength in me to stay until that time so I have just decided to end my life.
‘Are you sure?’ The doctor asks looking at the papers that I am about to sign
‘Yes I am.’ I respond scribbling down my signature
‘Ready when you are.’ He says taking a deep breath
‘I am.’ I respond sniffing back the tears
I was given many other options to pick from and I chose a drug called Secobarbital, it is one of the most commonly prescribed drugs for physician assisted suicide in the United States and is not very common here.
The doctor mixes it in water and puts it in a syringe before injecting it in me. I have read everything I need to and I know what to expect. About five minutes later I start to feel drowsy and I know it is coming. I will fall into a coma then death will follow afterwards. The last face I see as I close my eyes is that of Catra.
‘I love you.’ I whisper