KiNovember 22nd, 2019. 3:50PM 29
Hypocrites, that is what most people are. For claiming that forgiveness is something that one can give out in the blink of an eye. I know people that have been badly hurt, people who have had to walk through wild paths just so they can be able to get back on their feet again. And you expect them to wake up one morning and say that everything is fine.
What right does Connie or whatever her name have to look me in the eye and tell me to forgive me my father? Maybe I should remind you. I was just a child, an innocent child. At a very young age I was introduced to ARVs, my parents lied to me saying they were medicine for my immune system. Often, I wondered why I always got sick, why my temperature was always high. Why I had to visit the doctor every one month. I had to take the medicines that would leave me throwing up and feeling like a ball of sickness but my mother insisted that in order for me to get better I had to take them. Hell, I never got better! It just got worse.
It was never my fault; I didn’t deserve it! The only crime I made was being born of my parents, being fathered by the man I looked up to when he was the monster himself. He wasn’t even remorseful to say the least. Now you expect me to forgive him easily, have you ever looked at your father and realized that everything you ever believed in was a lie? That he was the devil himself masquerading as an angel?
Maybe let me put it simply, have you ever come to the realization that the medicine you have been taking all along have been ARVs? Have you? That you didn’t even have to have s£x to get it! That you didn’t sleep with anyone, that you didn’t prick your finger on a needle or cut yourself with a sharp object. So, don’t you come to me talking about forgiveness when you haven’t forgiven that ex that
broke your heart when you were sixteen. When you haven’t forgiven that man, who asked you to abort whilst you were in university. Do you honestly think forgiveness is like a walk in the park? That one day you can wake up and say it is well? Okay let us talk about your boss who you inwardly hate because even after your confirmation your salary hasn’t been increased. Let’s talk about that innocent child your husband fathered and yet you won’t accept as your own. That one sibling who doesn’t contribute anything in the family and so you have to do everything. My God have you ever thought of forgiving that woman that your husband slept with in your first year of marriage? That school girl you embarrassed because he picked her up innocently from school? You really want to talk about forgivenesshuh?
I felt my body shudder from all the pain I was feeling, I allowed my tears to fall rapidly. This is not what I signed up for, this is not the life I imagined myself having. I didn’t want this. I wanted a drug free life, I wanted to be able to bear my own kids without thinking of them having the virus. That is not the life I planned out.
‘Let it all out.’ Connie says encouragingly
And as if my tears obeying her, they begin to flow like a river, they come out with a heavy force and they just won’t stop coming out.
‘Don’t hold back.’ She says again as I continue to cry
I cry, so much and I know they are tears that I have held back for so many years.
Connie continuously pats my back lovingly and comfortingly; the tears are falling slowly now and the lump on my throat is slowly goingaway.
‘Come let’s sit over there.’ She says pointing at thebackyard
I follow her as she leads the way, there is a certain peace just sitting in the garden and looking at the pool.
‘You don’t have to forgive him.’ She begins
I look at her She sighs
‘Your father is the worst man I have ever met; trust me I never even saw myself being with him.’
There is a sadness in her voice that I can’t miss ‘And yet here you are.’
‘I loved him; from the first date I knew he was the man I wanted to spend forever with.’
‘I don’t follow.’
‘The first time I saw him at the clinic when he was getting his medication, I was an intern there and honestly not interested in men but there was your father.’
She pauses to smile
‘Arrogant, full of himself, proud and a womanizer. Even in that waiting area he was still eying women.’
She says that with a sigh
‘But there was something about him, something that intrigued me.’
There is silence as I allow her to reminisce
‘Fortunately for me, he came to receive medicine from my head nurse and I was told to counsel him.’
‘Your father was arrogant.’
‘let’s just say that I refused to attend to him.’ ‘You what?’
‘I did.’ She responds with a laugh
‘If he wanted to walk over people, it was not going to be me. I refused to be pushed around and he needed to know who was in charge.’
‘What happened afterwards?’
‘He said he was going to sue me, that he would report to the relevant authorities and all that nonsense.’
‘Of course, he did, you know the kind of man your father is.’ I smiled, for the first time relating.
‘He came back with officers, they came to arrest me.’
‘Arresting me.’ She says clicking her tongue ‘And?’
‘They read out laws to me, bloody bastards!’
‘Arrested me and he assured them that he wanted me to die behind bars.’ ‘Wow.’
‘I never spent a night, let’s just say that my brother was the chief general of police at the time and he knew just how stubborn I was.’
‘So, imagine the clash of the titans, former minister and chief general of police.’
‘My brother said I had to apologize because he didn’t want to jeopardize his job, so she invited him for dinner and I too was invited.’
‘Against your will?’ ‘I never showed up.’
I look at her intrigued
‘Thelma never allow a man to treat you like trash, no matter what his name is worth. Never.’ She insists
‘What happened next?’
‘How about you help me in the kitchen as we continue to talk?’ ‘Sure.’ I respond feeling a lot much better than I had come