October 16th, 2019. 10:30AM 10
There is silence between us, I am pretty sure Mulife has read between the lines. My tears have dried up but I can still feel the lump on my throat, this is something I have never talked about with anyone.
‘I am sorry Thelma.’
‘So am I.’ I manage to say
I can see he is struggling to keep quiet, he has questions but where does he even begin from asking?
‘You don’t have to be afraid to ask anything.’ I say He smiles faintly before locking his fingers with mine ‘Did you ever confrontthem?’
‘Your parents I mean.’ I laugh softly.
‘I was in denial, I didn’t know who to blame; my mother’s innocence or my father’s awful ways. But all I know is that I was depressed for a while before I finally talked to mum.’
‘Are you sure you want to continue talking about this.’ ‘I have already started not so?’ I ask looking at him Heshrugs.
‘I confronted her after a while, I just wanted answers. I wanted to know who had infected who, why I was never told anything.’
I smile, as the tears continue to fall.
‘I don’t know what is wrong with women.’ I begin ‘What?’
‘Even after he treated her ill, mistreated her, beat her to the pulp and almost sent her to the early grave she still had the nerve to defend him.’ I say angrily
I stand up ‘Thelma.’
‘Mulife can you believe she looked me in the eyes and told me that no matter what he would always be my father?’ I ask hands akimbo
‘Mulife I wanted closure, I wanted her to tell me all the things that he had done to her. But she still protected his image, all for what huh?’ I scream
‘Thelma I am sure she had her reasons, I don’t think she would do anything to hurt you.’
‘She hurt me Mulife, by keeping the truth from me she hurt me. I wanted her to tell me the truth, to just explain to me why she stuck by him all those years. Why she never walked away and found herself. And don’t bullshit me about staying for kids because I wasn’t a child to be proud of in the first place.’
He stands up, looks me in the eyes before holding me by the waist from the back. ‘No child should ever go through such.’
I sniff back the tears as he holds me tightly
‘I don’t think I have ever met anyone as strong as you are.’
I chuckle
‘I have never felt that way.’
‘You wouldn’t see it because you are the one in the boat.’ He says squeezing me a bit
I laugh lightly with a tear stained face then turn to face him, our faces are so close. I can hear his breathing so close to mine and any movement will have our lips touching, in the midst of all this pain a part of me is wondering what it will feel like to have his lips on mine.
‘I am dying to kiss you.’ He says making my insides turn
‘But I won’t.’ he adds moving a step backwards so that there is space between us
I am trying to hide the disappointment but he sees it even before its nicely hidden away.
‘I wouldn’t want to take advantage of you right now, you are hurting and your vulnerability won’t allow me to make any advances at you.’
I smile with disappointment
‘Thelma you are a very beautiful lady, very intelligent and you deserve the best that this world can offer and no one should ever make you settle for less. I come with a lot of baggage, firstly I am married. Secondly my parents will give you a hard time and thirdly you have a life ahead of you to meet the person you deserve.’ He says this with a smile
‘You are a good person Mulife.’ I manage to say He comes close and pulls me in for an embrace ‘If ever you need a friend.’
He pauses
‘And a brother.’
I laugh
‘I will be here for you.’ He finishes ‘Thank you.’ I say
For some an unknown reason this feels like goodbye and I have no idea why, but I let it go.
Our chocolate has now gotten cold and it’s really late so I prepare him his room and say my good night before I go to sleep.
I lay in my bed and for once I don’t allow my situation to get to me, what is the point in being angry when the milk has already been spilt? Though I don’t know if I will ever forgive my father because he still remains the reason why we are in this predicament.
I allow sleep to take me into wonderland, I haven’t slept this hard in a long time and my body feels relaxed. Then I begin to dream, in the dream I see my mother. She is wearing a very beautiful off the shoulder peach dress; it is sweeping the floor and her feet are bare. Her long hair has been let down and on one side of her ear is a white lily.
She is walking towards where I am sitting, I look distressed but she is ever smiling looking happier than I have ever seen her. When she gets to where I am she doesn’t say anything but kisses my forehead and just smiles, I can feel the kiss send
warmth through me. It’s as if it is real but it’s only but a dream, I want to say something to her but when I open my mouth to talk no words are coming out.
Then she stands up to leave and that warmth leaves my body, with each step she takes I feel a certain chill and when it gets worse it’s like I can’t breathe; I struggle so hard until I finally open my eyes. It’s only after a minute that I am able to breathe but then void fills me and I know it is over. She is gone and that was good bye.
Winnie